Since I first started suffering anxiety, it has not been a constant in my life; to be honest I've probably only suffered for around 4-5months in total. This can be both a blessing and a curse, obviously because I don't suffer it all the time, my life is pretty good; however, the randomness of when it comes means that I don't have a lot of reserves for it. I don't have ways to live with it every day, so when it hits me, it hits me bad. In my experiences, I'v only had the depressive symptoms 3 times - when they come I'm slammed, and can't function for a few days to a week, then I bounce quickly. Thank God for the Bounce!
Yesterday I went to my Psych appointment, where I talk with a woman whom I adore, she boosts my confidence, and explains things so well; I feel very safe with her. I was telling her about the plans that I was putting into motion - meditating, blogging, reading a lot of buddhism papers and articles, getting exercise and maintaining hope - all the things that get me better, and will hopefully keep me better.
A massive source of calm for me at the moment is the research and reading I'm doing on Buddhism, and it's beautiful, calm sense of life; I'm hoping to attend a 2 day retreat at the end of this month that is run by 2 buddhists, who are both clinical psychologist - in fact I'm desperate to go. A major factor in Buddhist belief is living in the now, or mindfulness; which means to focus solely on the present, not to live in the past or the future, as a way to restore calm to the body and mind. I know I have a lot more research to do, but as someone who struggles with a religious faith, I feel that this sense of spirituality speaks to me on many different levels; and I just know that it can only do me good.
This morning upon waking, I did feel the pull of dread in my abdomen, of being solely responsible for getting my kids to school (ridiculous isn't it, I've literally done it hundreds of times!), so I made myself get up and do what I had to do...
Yesterday I went to my Psych appointment, where I talk with a woman whom I adore, she boosts my confidence, and explains things so well; I feel very safe with her. I was telling her about the plans that I was putting into motion - meditating, blogging, reading a lot of buddhism papers and articles, getting exercise and maintaining hope - all the things that get me better, and will hopefully keep me better.
A massive source of calm for me at the moment is the research and reading I'm doing on Buddhism, and it's beautiful, calm sense of life; I'm hoping to attend a 2 day retreat at the end of this month that is run by 2 buddhists, who are both clinical psychologist - in fact I'm desperate to go. A major factor in Buddhist belief is living in the now, or mindfulness; which means to focus solely on the present, not to live in the past or the future, as a way to restore calm to the body and mind. I know I have a lot more research to do, but as someone who struggles with a religious faith, I feel that this sense of spirituality speaks to me on many different levels; and I just know that it can only do me good.
This morning upon waking, I did feel the pull of dread in my abdomen, of being solely responsible for getting my kids to school (ridiculous isn't it, I've literally done it hundreds of times!), so I made myself get up and do what I had to do...
GET UP, DRESS UP, SHOW UP.
So I did, and of course I was fine - but the mind can be a nasty bitch who tells you you wont be. Admittedly, I didn't feel completely up to dealing with many people, so I didn't stop for petrol, and I'm now hoping I make it back to school this afternoon without breaking down...
When I got home, I told myself there were going to be no naps today, that to boost energy, I had to use energy, with the bonus of lying on the trampoline this afternoon in the sun if I'd done the things I need to do. So I wrote my list of things to achieve today, I made a cup of tea and wandered down into the paddock; standing in the sun, I watched my chickens, goats and dogs, and felt lucky. You know what? Yes, I have a mental illness, but I also have a 100% survival rate; I am strong. And I will not feel like a failure. My strength is the reason I'm still here, I'm still kicking, and damn it, I'm still hoping. Today is ok, tomorrow may be shit; but I wont know until it's here, so I'm going to try not to stress about it; or it may be wonderful, and another stepping stone to feeling great again. But I'm grateful I'm here to find out.
That retreat sounds lovely! I'd love to do something like that too xxx
ReplyDeleteDoesn't it! IT's at the Chenrezig Institute, which is on the sunny coast. Fingers crossed there's still spots left on pay day!!
DeleteAh Chenrezig......we used to accidentally stumble upon that place when I was a teenager in our cars. Of course we usually were rather herbalised, and back then there was no retreat, one could go in and meditate on their grounds though. We were never brave enough to go in (probably paranoid from the herbs....) but the Hare Krishnas were always very friendly and waved.
ReplyDelete