After my severe-anaemia diagnosis, my depression worsened; and I refused medication. In my head, anti-depressants were yet another failure, they were for the weak; and as a previously very strong person, I was determined that I was not 'one of those' people. I could get through this with my own personal strength. How ignorant of me! For 8 weeks I battled - nights where I couldn't sleep, days where all I could do was sleep, the constant churning of stomach acid, the headaches, the body tension, the total mind-fuck of it all. There were nights that I gave myself time lines... in 6 months if you're like this, we overdose.... no, 3 months, I can't do 6. It was horrific; truly something I would never wish on my worst enemy.
In that 8 weeks myself and my babies were dependant on other people; I'm an only child, so no siblings to share the load with me; my Mum was in Iraq, and the only people I truly had day-to-day were D and my Grandma, GG. I would be at GG's house everyday whilst D worked, with the babies; if I was sleeping, her and my GP did bottles, naps, plays, everything. Without them, I can truly say we wouldn't have survived. In that time, I couldn't go anywhere, I was severely agoraphobic; just walking into the Drs from the car was such a challenge for me - I would have headspins, hot and cold flushes, and feel very faint and teary. In fact there were days that walking to my letter box would literally make me vomit.Obviously I was not capable of driving, so in every sense, I was dependant on other people.
For those that know me, they remember that I used to be fiercely independent, I loved nothing more than taking off in my car for hours, I travelled Europe on my own and was a very confident person; so the change to becoming so unbelievably dependant was humiliating.
In November 2008, we had M's Christening, something I had organised before I got sick; I was so terrified of standing up in front of people in a church, and these were all my loved ones!! I had someone tell me the day before the Christening, to not go, as I would ruin the day for everyone; this made me feel like a worthless piece of shit. I would never be able to forgive myself for missing my baby girls Christening. That day I woke up and I didn't feel to bad, then the closer the time got to leaving, the worse I got; by the time I was at the church, I was a wreck, and demanded to be taken to my MILs house, who lives just near the Church. I promptly fell asleep, to be woken by my GG who had shown up to force me to get out. She literally forced me, with me swearing and screaming that I couldn't do it; when we got to the church, I sat in the back pew with my Aunt, and I felt such massive accomplishment for being there amongst my family and friends. I felt like my old self - even getting up and making a speech in front of everyone!!
Th next day was the biggest come down yet, unfortunately, with great heights, came massive depths. My Mum was staying with us at the time, she had come back for the Christening, and she made me swallow my first ever antidepressants; the ones that had been prescribed 8 weeks ago and had never taken. Those first few days on the ADs were pretty bad; my head was literally buzzing, and I would lie on my front verandah with a wet face washer on my head to try and stop the pain; but I continued with them.
Two weeks into taking the ADs I started feeling better, obviously not 100%, but I could definately feel a difference; I was ready to go out and face the world again. My first forays out were with D, we would go Christmas shopping at Brookside, the first times I wouldn't leave his side, but then I started to wander off from him, as long as he was still in my line of vision. This continued for a while, but probably not as long as I suspected it would (to be honest, when you're in the midst of depressions, it feels permanent - so any amount of time was shorter than i suspected!). It was so amazing to start to feel human again, to be able to be an active part of my babies lives, and even to hugely enjoy Christmas!!
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