January 2009 turned out so much better than i had imagined in my wildest dreams, my recovery was happening in leaps and bounds! I still wasn't going anywhere on my own, but I was comfortable to be out with people I felt safe with.
The first massive achievement was going on a girls night at Ravensborne with my most cherished friends, C, E and DC; we stayed at C's Mum's place, just the 4 of us. It was my first night actually away from both of my babies, and I was definitely nervous, but it was wonderful to feel like me again; we went bushwalking, swimming in water holes, had a few drinks and just relaxed together. It felt like my soul was starting to settle.
Later on that month, a group of us, 10 + kids, stayed on the Sunshine Coast for the Australia Day long weekend in a big beach house; again I felt like myself, I didn't experience anxiety, and was a very active part in all the festivities and responsibilities. In my own head, I couldn't imagine how I had felt just 2 months earlier, it felt like a lifetime ago.
My recovery after the initial breakdown was very swift; and I made my first lone-roadtrip with the kids to Mum's property in NSW in February - I left very early in the morning to try to avoid most motorway traffic, but I did it! And it felt amazing!
Soon, things were running as though I had never been sick; I took my ADs (a very low 10mg dose); and was comfortable being my childrens' primary carer on my own again! I quickly settled into my old routines of being other people's strength; if my friends needed me, I was there; if anything needed doing, I was there. It felt wonderful.
That August, I was required to open my Mum's cafe in Nimbin; it had just been purchased, and massive changes had been put in place; other circumstances meant that Mum was not able to do it herself. D had recently left his job, which he hated, and we had sold his townhouse; which meant that we were able to stay in NSW for 6 or so weeks whilst the cafe got on its feet. It was so empowering for me to manage and reopen the business, i had meetings with suppliers, where I would aggressively challenge them for better deals; I dealt with staffing dramas ( in Nimbin - shudder) and also abuse from the not-so-with-it locals. I loved it.
So, 2009 ended up being pretty awesome really; I was so thankful that somewhere inside me, something stopped me from harming myself the year before; sure there were still some days that I would be a bit nervous, or lacking in motivation or energy; but in the end, we were all ok.
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