In early 2010, (maybe April?), one of my best friends, K, decided that she no longer wanted me as a part of her life - and I was given no answers as to why. This was somebody that I considered a sister; that I had nursed through depression, dodgy pregnancies, break ups, everything. I ached when I received a gutless text thanking me for years of friendship, but basically, I never want to see you again. My anxiety flared. I was given no answers, and questioned everything about myself; had I been a bad friend? Did I do something wrong? I never knew, and was never given a chance to either apologise or defend.
In May 2010, this person that I had given so much of myself to, turned another friend against me; a friend who only th year before had lived with my family, with her own son, as she battled depression. The anger and sadness raged in me - yes, I had faults, but I was always a good friend, and I was being told the opposite.
Whilst these events threw me, and gave me moments of anxiety, the main emotion I felt was anger - which led to bitterness and resentment; two feelings that I have worked on ridding myself of in the last few years (not always successfully, but I'm doing pretty good!). I have come to the conclusion that these emotions lead to nothing but bad health - I read somewhere that holding resentment towards someone is like drinking poison, and expecting it to kill the other person.
The other big events of early 2010 were around my health, which had been very dodgy after my anaemia (my levels were so low that they destroyed my immune system - I was told I would have around 3 years of suppressed immunity); so basically, I would get every bug/germ/lurgy that was going around - which was exhausting! In May or June I got a run of the mill kidney infection, and was put on antibiotics; which I ended up being ridiculously allergic to - my body swelled, I was covered in a rash, I vomited etc. The worst reaction though was the 13.5cm blood clot it left in my left calf muscle - the first recorded blood clot in response to this antibiotic. I started warfarin, and had to inject Clexane into my own stomach; as well as daily blood tests, as we couldn't get my levels to balance. This started my anxiety again, and I lost a lot of confidence - my body just kept on failing!
Pretty much the main component, or response of my anxiety is to get anxious about driving; not my capability, as I am a very competent driver, but of my ability to stay focused. I tend to stick to my 'safe places' when I'm anxious, as anywhere that is really busy causes me stress, that I might lose attention or faint or something, and hurt my family or someone else's. I completely stop driving on freeways and bridges when I'm like this - although some bridges had been a struggle regardless thanks to the gateway panic attack!
After overcoming these fears, yet again, I got a different ailment (really?!?) - I was rushed to the hospital early one morning in September in ridiculous pain, vomiting acid. My gallbladder had to be removed by emergency surgery - amazingly, this caused me no anxiety. I think D was worse as I was wheeled in, he was very stressed, but I was doing Ok! A week later and I was all good - unless I ate something fatty or oily but that's a whole different story!
Life was great again.. for 2 weeks.
On Friday October 1st 2010, D, myself and the kids went to D's cousin L's house, where he lived with his divine fiance, G; they had just moved in and we were going over to celebrate. My bestie, C and her partner, J were also there. We had a great night having a few drinks ( I was driving), fire twirling and laughing; we went home at 1am.
At 8am the next morning, D woke me up. G was dead. I remember jumping out of bed and screaming 'WHAT'??? A million thoughts ran through my head as I rang C, she must have had a heart attack?? But she was incredibly vibrant and healthy, a truly amazing person. Then the call came, she had hung herself. The shock reverberated between each of us that knew her, the happiest, most beautiful person I'd ever met, with the world at her feet.
We drove to the house, where her body was being wheeled out by the coroners; there was to be an inquest. L was in turmoil and became our centre of focus; we had to make sure he survived this. L and D are cousins, but closer than brothers, and L's pain hit D hard - he stayed with L for the majority of a month, and our lives were very upside down.
Surprisingly during this time, I only had one moment of anxiety, I think I was too busy to let my mind wander; and I was able to do everything that was needed of me at the time , and more. The only thing I dwelled on was wondering if there'd been any signs? Had we missed something? None of us could come up with any, and grief was mixed with a lot of confusion.
The only thing I was grateful for during this time, was that something had stopped me. That I hadn't inflicted the pain on my loved ones, that was now being inflicted on us. I will always be thankful that my soul had that strength - I just wish it hadn't taken this horrid event to show me how strong I had been. I resolved to always be open and honest about my depression - not only to ease my own struggles, but so that nobody ever thought they were alone in theirs.
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| Our Beautiful Girl - Resting in Paradise |
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