Defending myself

Well, I haven't blogged in forever..and I so should have been, as my anxiety has been absolutely spastic.

This will only be a short-un, and I'll definitely be back more regularly, but here goes...

Twice in the last month or so, I have been put in the position where I've felt the need to defend my illness, and the position it has put my little family in financially.

So this is the last time, and then I'm done.

Anxiety disorders vary greatly. For some people it can be a constant feeling of nervousness, or for others they can be house bound for years. I'm not either, I'm somewhere in the middle. These disorders can not be compared, and people with the same disorders have greatly varying symptoms.

I have three diagnosed disorders - Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia. There is lots of info on these on the Web if you are so inclined to research.

On top of my anxieties, for years I have suffered from immunity suppression, thanks to my iron issues a few years ago, and I have copped hit after hit to my body, health wise.

I struggle with fatigue and general illnesses on a near- constant basis; and some days are a struggle to accomplish the littlest things.

I have gone back to work for a while over the years, but if my agoraphobia is playing up, I can be left terrified and in a worse place anxiety wise.

This has meant David has been the sole earner for our family, and unfortunately,  as my supportive partner, there have been many occasions where he has had to stay with me, leaving us in a pretty shitty financial position.

One of my biggest issues when my anxiety is playing up,  is driving. Not my capabilities, I'm a  very good driver, but with driving on my own or with my children. I can feel very trapped, or overwhelmed, resulting in panic. One of my greatest fears, is feeling trapped, not literally, but in a situation. It can be very overwhelming, and with the thoughts and feelings of panic, come the physical symptoms.

None of this is within my control, and I have never enjoyed a single aspect of my illness. If you ask David, he can tell anyone how many times he's had my howling about being useless, and being a failure.

The last thing I, or anyone else who suffers, needs is to feel judged. Mental illness is like any other, it does not discriminate, and can happen to anyone, at anytime. Anxiety does not make me weak or pathetic, in fact, it has made me stronger in many ways- there are many people with my disorders who have taken their own lives, I have hope, and belief that things will get better.

This is an ongoing battle for me, sometimes it's bad, sometimes it's almost nonexistant.
But if you wouldn't ask a person with cancer to defend their illness, don't ever ask someone with mental health issues, it tries to trivialise, which results in resentment; and ultimately shows peoples ignorance.