This has by far been the longest period of anxiety, it's now been about a year, with a few periods inbetween that were anxiety free; and I'm exhausted. There is nothing more tiring than the constant ramblings in my head, the persistant worry, the never-ending doubts and insecurities that rattle around my brain.
In the last few months, i've definately realised my main triggers - illness and feeling trapped; any sort of illness for me, makes me deeply anxious, especially nausea-related illness; I trace this to my pregnancies, and memories of ongoing nausea, vomitting etc. The feeling of being trapped is in situations, not in a claustrophobic sense, although god knows that'd probably send me crazy too! I have always liked to be in control of situations, so when i feel like I have no control, or no say in outcomes, I tend to feel incredibly trapped, which usually sends me over the edge.
Lately, I have severely struggled with making plans, especially if I'm not with one of my 'safe people'; I have become a bit of a hermit in some senses, as i don't like socialising on my own, as I'm worried about feeling anxious, and making myself or whomever i'm with feel uncomfortable. Its the same with agoraphobic thinking i suppose, it's hard to make plans to be somewhere where you can't just leave without making a bit of a scene. I'm sure some people think i'm a bit slack at the moment with not catching up etc, but it's a point i'm in right now.
I am incredibly lucky to have some wonderful friends and family that i do consider my 'safe people'; people that I know will support me, and understand me, even if i completely lose it (something i'm yet to do, but time will tell ;) ).
Some of the bizarre things that rattle around my head can be very hard to explain, I'm not always able to articulate them to myself!. They tend to be a lot of worry about the unknown, my kids lives, my life, the fear of loss etc. I have become quite fixated on death, in an existential way, and seem to be on a quest to find the reason of life; with all its pain and suffering.
To satisfy these questions, I have been doing a lot of reading, maybe trying to find a bit of spirituality for myself, something that is lacking in my life...never thought i'd be jealous of those who had a strong sense of faith!
In my reading and research, I have realised the power of meditation (I'm still learning), and Miff and I are starting to meditate daily; which at the moment compromises lying in the sun and focussing on our breathing and relaxation, or listening to music and doing the same. I find great satisfaction in doing these things with Miff (Xavi thinks we're crazy), as I'm hoping it will give her tools for later on in life.
With everything, my inner voice now reminds me, to Choose Love, if Love is the basis for my thoughts and actions, then life will be wonderful.
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