Choosing Love

So, anxiety is very present and accounted for - has been badly for about 3 months now; agoraphobia is strong, general anxiety is strong, defences are quite weak.

This has by far been the longest period of anxiety, it's now been about a year, with a few periods inbetween that were anxiety free; and I'm exhausted. There is nothing more tiring than the constant ramblings in my head, the persistant worry, the never-ending doubts and insecurities that rattle around my brain.

In the last few months, i've definately realised my main triggers - illness and feeling trapped; any sort of illness for me, makes me deeply anxious, especially nausea-related illness; I trace this to my pregnancies, and memories of ongoing nausea, vomitting etc. The feeling of being trapped is in situations, not in a claustrophobic sense, although god knows that'd probably send me crazy too! I have always liked to be in control of situations, so when i feel like I have no control, or no say in outcomes, I tend to feel incredibly trapped, which usually sends me over the edge.

Lately, I have severely struggled with making plans, especially if I'm not with one of my 'safe people'; I have become a bit of a hermit in some senses, as i don't like socialising on my own, as I'm worried about feeling anxious, and making myself or whomever i'm with feel uncomfortable. Its the same with agoraphobic thinking i suppose, it's hard to make plans to be somewhere where you can't just leave without making a bit of a scene. I'm sure some people think i'm a bit slack at the moment with not catching up etc, but it's a point i'm in right now.

I am incredibly lucky to have some wonderful friends and family that i do consider my 'safe people'; people that I know will support me, and understand me, even if i completely lose it (something i'm yet to do, but time will tell ;) ).

Some of the bizarre things that rattle around my head can be very hard to explain, I'm not always able to articulate them to myself!. They tend to be a lot of worry about the unknown, my kids lives, my life, the fear of loss etc.  I have become quite fixated on death, in an existential way, and seem to be on a quest to find the reason of life; with all its pain and suffering.

 To satisfy these questions, I have been doing a lot of reading, maybe trying to find a bit of spirituality for myself, something that is lacking in my life...never thought i'd be jealous of those who had a strong sense of faith!

In my reading and research, I have realised the power of meditation (I'm still learning), and Miff and I are starting to meditate daily; which at the moment compromises lying in the sun and focussing on our breathing and relaxation, or listening to music and doing the same. I find great satisfaction in doing these things with Miff (Xavi thinks we're crazy), as I'm hoping it will give her tools for later on in life.

With everything, my inner voice now reminds me, to Choose Love, if Love is the basis for my thoughts and actions, then life will be wonderful.

Top tips to keep the crazy at bay.

Today I received an email from an old friend, who had shared this blog with a friend who has a daughter suffering depression and anxiety. It got me to thinking there are a few things I do, that don't stop the crazy, but helps to ease it. Remember I'm still on my journey, these are tips I've learnt along the way....

1. REMEMBER - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
I still have issues blaming myself for having anxiety, I'm not gonna lie; but IT IS NOT your fault. Mental illness is indeed the nastiest of nasty bitches - she doesn't care if you're rich, poor, young, old, skinny, fat or anything - she can bring you down at any point. Just like any other physical illness, our nervous systems get sick; so if you wouldn't think yourself a failure for having cancer, don't think you are for having depression or anxiety.

2. SURROUND YOURSELVES WITH THOSE WHO LOVE YOU
It is so easy to hide inside yourself, to curl up in bed and wait for it all to be over. But you know what? that wont help a damn bit! I'm not saying get out and party, lord knows you probably don't have the energy, but allow those who love you, and support you to remain in your life. Talk to them, confide, cry, greive, anything you need to do, knowing those who are beneficial to you will hold you up, when you aren't strong enough to.

3.BE OPEN, BE HONEST. SPEAK UP.
Don't keep the nastiness inside; noone can help you if they don't know what's going on in your head. I am very open about my anxiety, not everyone understands it, but you'll find an amazing amount of people that are fighting the same fight as you. And believe me, it feels so good to know it's not just you, you aren't unique in your craziness - and these people can show you different methods of coping, and share success stories.

4. THIS IS NOT FOREVER
Probably one of the hardest ones. The problem with anxiety and depression is they make you think the worst of any situation; and they make you believe you will live out the rest of your days in this mind funk. YOU WONT!!! This too shall pass -





5. EDUCATE YOURSELF
Ignorance isn't always bliss. Read. Research. Talk. There are so many awesome materials available to you online about depression and anxiety; and I'm not just talking wikipedia factuals (which do help, it's always good to know what's going on in the brain etc), but on blogs, websites, forums, anything where there are other people who have fought the fight and survived, or those who are currently fighting. One website I cannot rate highly enough is tinybuddha.com , it is full of articles, blogs, cartoons, all focussed on finding peace, I have spent hours pouring over some stories, and they will lift your heart.

6. WALK
I know excercise is the last thing you can be arsed doing, but I promise it helps - it doesn't have to be some full on regime either; go for a walk in the outdoors, get some fresh air and get your heart rate up. If you are agoraphobic, walk around your yard, walk to the postbox, walk 50 steps past your house. The endorphin release will help, you will be grateful for the spike in serotonin; and hell, appreciate how frigging awesome nature is.

7. GET A MASSAGE OR SOAK IN THE BATH
We all hold our tension in our bodies, which tends to make our anxieties worse. So relax your poor body, if you can't get a massage, invest in some lavendar oil and epsom salts, and soak in your bath. You deserve it.

8.ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE
How many times i've wanted to punch someone in the face when they've told me to focus on the positives. yeah. ok... sometimes our positives can scare the shit out of us too. (my children are the biggest positive in my life, but when i'm at a low, thinking of them causes me pain; I feel like I'm failing them. so yes, positives can be bloody scary too).

My version of focussing on the positives are the little things, so at night, I've taken to writing down 10 things from the day that I am grateful for. They can be silly, like, 'I had a relaxing bath', or 'I didn't scream at the kids when I so wanted to', or whatever is your daily positive. Hell, it can even be 'Today i kept breathing'. Learning to focus on the good things, no matter how trivial, will train your brain to stop focussing only on the negatives.

9. BABY STEPS
Don't expect too much, too soon. Yes, we all want to be better in the click of the fingers - it aint gonna happen! This is a process, be kind to yourself.

10. LAUGH
Even if it's at yourself. Release those endorphins.

11.MEDITATE
I'm still learning how to 'properly' meditate, but so far, what works for me is to either do a guided mediation (there are so many online, or you can download apps to your phone), or to put relaxation music on, focus on my breathing, and try not to get caught up in internal chatter. yep, a few times i've fallen asleep, but either way, my mind and body have gotten some much needed reprieve.


No doubt I'll think of a million other things to write as soon as I publish this, but for now, these are things I'm doing on a near daily basis. They're not curing me, but they keep me breathing xoxo

Defending myself

Well, I haven't blogged in forever..and I so should have been, as my anxiety has been absolutely spastic.

This will only be a short-un, and I'll definitely be back more regularly, but here goes...

Twice in the last month or so, I have been put in the position where I've felt the need to defend my illness, and the position it has put my little family in financially.

So this is the last time, and then I'm done.

Anxiety disorders vary greatly. For some people it can be a constant feeling of nervousness, or for others they can be house bound for years. I'm not either, I'm somewhere in the middle. These disorders can not be compared, and people with the same disorders have greatly varying symptoms.

I have three diagnosed disorders - Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia. There is lots of info on these on the Web if you are so inclined to research.

On top of my anxieties, for years I have suffered from immunity suppression, thanks to my iron issues a few years ago, and I have copped hit after hit to my body, health wise.

I struggle with fatigue and general illnesses on a near- constant basis; and some days are a struggle to accomplish the littlest things.

I have gone back to work for a while over the years, but if my agoraphobia is playing up, I can be left terrified and in a worse place anxiety wise.

This has meant David has been the sole earner for our family, and unfortunately,  as my supportive partner, there have been many occasions where he has had to stay with me, leaving us in a pretty shitty financial position.

One of my biggest issues when my anxiety is playing up,  is driving. Not my capabilities, I'm a  very good driver, but with driving on my own or with my children. I can feel very trapped, or overwhelmed, resulting in panic. One of my greatest fears, is feeling trapped, not literally, but in a situation. It can be very overwhelming, and with the thoughts and feelings of panic, come the physical symptoms.

None of this is within my control, and I have never enjoyed a single aspect of my illness. If you ask David, he can tell anyone how many times he's had my howling about being useless, and being a failure.

The last thing I, or anyone else who suffers, needs is to feel judged. Mental illness is like any other, it does not discriminate, and can happen to anyone, at anytime. Anxiety does not make me weak or pathetic, in fact, it has made me stronger in many ways- there are many people with my disorders who have taken their own lives, I have hope, and belief that things will get better.

This is an ongoing battle for me, sometimes it's bad, sometimes it's almost nonexistant.
But if you wouldn't ask a person with cancer to defend their illness, don't ever ask someone with mental health issues, it tries to trivialise, which results in resentment; and ultimately shows peoples ignorance.