It's funny when you aren't experiencing any anxiety, you can't imagine that you could ever have felt so bad. I suppose it's like getting over a cold, and you can't imagine how sick you felt! I know that my downer at the moment, is nowhere near the worst I've ever felt.. it's just been stretched out for the longest period; with quite a few weeks here and there with no symptoms at all. Sometimes that can be the cruellest part, that you're feeling good and then Bam! back to shit again.
Talking to a friend today, who also suffers anxiety, who said that feelings of happiness also bring anxiety, as you fear that happiness means something is going to go wrong. How unfair is that?? That you can't appreciate the good too much, as you fear the bad. Anxiety bites arse.
For me, other than when I am tired or sick, I have no specific triggers, I can hear a normal everyday conversation, and feel a wave of panic come over me; in the same instance, I can hear really bad news, or have something anxiety-inducing happen, and barely react at all.
A few friends of mine (is it wrong that I have SO many friends that suffer anxiety??? - is this shit catching???), have not been able to comprehend that certain situations that ANYONE would experience anxiety, have caused me NO anxiety at all.... last year I wrote off my car, by myself with the two kids and two dogs, on the NSW boarder ranges, and had to drive 50km with my engine hanging out to get to the nearest town with phone reception. Any normal person would be a wreck... I got to Kyogle laughing. Just a couple of weeks ago, I lost my brakes going into an intersection.. did I panic? nope... just drove into a ditch until I ran out of steam, then drove home using my handbrake... But, if I'm feeling crappy, I can't even drive on the freakin freeway, or into town or anything on my own... even driving the kids to school can make me anxious.
I think that one of the reasons I am so open about my anxiety, and why I am writing this blog, is to dispel a few myths about people with mental health issues...
None of us are stupid, hell, I KNOW my anxieties aren't rational, doesn't mean I can stop them!
None of us are weak.. if we were, we wouldn't survive the bad days
None of us 'enjoy' anxiety... how fun do you think it is, seeing fear in everyday things?
None of us can 'snap out of it'.. trust me, if we could, we would. No one wants to live with this.
And ultimately, None of us want your pity. We want understanding, empathy, and a hand to hold when the journey is rocky. We want people around who don't judge, who don't think we're ridiculous for being scared of strange things... but who support us in our Healing.
I look forward to the day when I can make plans, without crossing my fingers that I wont have to break them; that I can get in my car again and not even think about where I'm driving; that I can watch my children grow without grieving that they are growing; and ultimately, the day that I will feel safe in and by myself again - that I can once again trust in my abilities, my judgements and my own strengths.
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