It's funny when you aren't experiencing any anxiety, you can't imagine that you could ever have felt so bad. I suppose it's like getting over a cold, and you can't imagine how sick you felt! I know that my downer at the moment, is nowhere near the worst I've ever felt.. it's just been stretched out for the longest period; with quite a few weeks here and there with no symptoms at all. Sometimes that can be the cruellest part, that you're feeling good and then Bam! back to shit again.
Talking to a friend today, who also suffers anxiety, who said that feelings of happiness also bring anxiety, as you fear that happiness means something is going to go wrong. How unfair is that?? That you can't appreciate the good too much, as you fear the bad. Anxiety bites arse.
For me, other than when I am tired or sick, I have no specific triggers, I can hear a normal everyday conversation, and feel a wave of panic come over me; in the same instance, I can hear really bad news, or have something anxiety-inducing happen, and barely react at all.
A few friends of mine (is it wrong that I have SO many friends that suffer anxiety??? - is this shit catching???), have not been able to comprehend that certain situations that ANYONE would experience anxiety, have caused me NO anxiety at all.... last year I wrote off my car, by myself with the two kids and two dogs, on the NSW boarder ranges, and had to drive 50km with my engine hanging out to get to the nearest town with phone reception. Any normal person would be a wreck... I got to Kyogle laughing. Just a couple of weeks ago, I lost my brakes going into an intersection.. did I panic? nope... just drove into a ditch until I ran out of steam, then drove home using my handbrake... But, if I'm feeling crappy, I can't even drive on the freakin freeway, or into town or anything on my own... even driving the kids to school can make me anxious.
I think that one of the reasons I am so open about my anxiety, and why I am writing this blog, is to dispel a few myths about people with mental health issues...
None of us are stupid, hell, I KNOW my anxieties aren't rational, doesn't mean I can stop them!
None of us are weak.. if we were, we wouldn't survive the bad days
None of us 'enjoy' anxiety... how fun do you think it is, seeing fear in everyday things?
None of us can 'snap out of it'.. trust me, if we could, we would. No one wants to live with this.
And ultimately, None of us want your pity. We want understanding, empathy, and a hand to hold when the journey is rocky. We want people around who don't judge, who don't think we're ridiculous for being scared of strange things... but who support us in our Healing.
I look forward to the day when I can make plans, without crossing my fingers that I wont have to break them; that I can get in my car again and not even think about where I'm driving; that I can watch my children grow without grieving that they are growing; and ultimately, the day that I will feel safe in and by myself again - that I can once again trust in my abilities, my judgements and my own strengths.
Monday, 30 September 2013
Sunday, 29 September 2013
Exhausted Ranting..
I am beyond exhausted. I feel like shit. I feel anxious and down; and my stomach feels all over the place. I JUST WANT TO SLEEP!!!
I'm not quite sure what's going on with me at the moment, but I feel so down, and trapped. I can't be arsed going anywhere, and have bugger all money to go to anything anyway; I feel pretty teary, and quite s bit anxious. I guarantee I'd feel a shitload better after a few good naps; and basically, I'm in desperate need of time out - school holidays are so full on; and truth be told, my kids can be arseholes.
This year has felt so full on - it's been the longest period that I've had anxious moments for; I suppose in fairness it's been a big year, both my babies are now in school which is a bit heartbreaking, Dad deploying, broken bones, and constant money troubles.
I feel incredibly agitated at the moment, and most things are causing me anger; the other morning we were packing up our holiday home, and D was taking so long to do things that weren't really necessary, and we were already late to get the key back - the amount of anger it caused me was unbelievable, it was so bad that my stomach was churning with acid, my whole back tensed up and I just cried. That's pretty much how I've flt now for a couple of days - everything the kids do piss me off; and frankly, I can't wait for holidays to be over. And then I feel like a piece of shit for feeling that way - I feel like a massive failure and the worst mother you could think of.
Tomorrow we are going on a play date, and I am nervous. Ridiculous, it's at one of M's friends houses, 1 street away, and I'm friends with her Mum. But I'm still anxious. and I don't know what is setting me off exactly at the moment.
In all honesty, in this moment in time, I wish I wasn't a mother.
I'm not quite sure what's going on with me at the moment, but I feel so down, and trapped. I can't be arsed going anywhere, and have bugger all money to go to anything anyway; I feel pretty teary, and quite s bit anxious. I guarantee I'd feel a shitload better after a few good naps; and basically, I'm in desperate need of time out - school holidays are so full on; and truth be told, my kids can be arseholes.
This year has felt so full on - it's been the longest period that I've had anxious moments for; I suppose in fairness it's been a big year, both my babies are now in school which is a bit heartbreaking, Dad deploying, broken bones, and constant money troubles.
I feel incredibly agitated at the moment, and most things are causing me anger; the other morning we were packing up our holiday home, and D was taking so long to do things that weren't really necessary, and we were already late to get the key back - the amount of anger it caused me was unbelievable, it was so bad that my stomach was churning with acid, my whole back tensed up and I just cried. That's pretty much how I've flt now for a couple of days - everything the kids do piss me off; and frankly, I can't wait for holidays to be over. And then I feel like a piece of shit for feeling that way - I feel like a massive failure and the worst mother you could think of.
Tomorrow we are going on a play date, and I am nervous. Ridiculous, it's at one of M's friends houses, 1 street away, and I'm friends with her Mum. But I'm still anxious. and I don't know what is setting me off exactly at the moment.
In all honesty, in this moment in time, I wish I wasn't a mother.
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
Mummy Guilt
This post is coming from our holiday house up on the Sunshine Coast, the kids are at the beach with everyone else, but I'm getting an hour of quiet time. Ahh the serenity!!
Before kids, you hear the expression 'Mummy Guilt', without thinking anything of it; but let me say, it's a total bitch! Becoming a Mum is one of the most amazing, if not THE most amazing experiences you could ever have, but don't be fooled, with it comes the most intense feeling of unworthiness, guilt, exhaustion and hormonal shenanigans you can think of!
So, this week, the kids and I are up the coast with Mum, S my step sister, Aunty B and cousin BW; we are a street away from the beach and the weather is amazing - so amazing that I have been out everyday, including mornings on my own getting a walk in, and I'm pretty sure I've managed to get heat stroke. Yep, of course I have. Add on to that the kids have been getting up at sparrow's and you can be guaranteed one very shattered mummy. And don't I feel like shit because of it. Mind you, I have been everywhere with the kids, I've swam, I've walked, I've played volleyball; but my heart hasn't been in it, and I haven't gone above and beyond just being present.
I remember when the kids were little, and I was very actively involved in their play time, where as now I just feel like more of an observer; I don't know if this is a normal transition with their age or if it's laziness on my part. It does feel lazy. Sometimes I just crave time on my own, time when other adults in the kids life can take the responsibility for a while; and then I feel guilty about wanting time out from my own babies. If i had even 1/4 of thier energy, we'd all be fine - but they're little power houses from the moment their eyes open in the morning (and considering yesterday morning was at 4:30am - bleurgh!) until they finally crash and burn at night. They are exhausting!!!
I suppose they only thing I can do to remedy this, is to keep going with my exercise, and hopefully I'll start to feel more energetic soon, instead of wiped out! And maybe to stay out of the sun a bit, as it is giving me fierce headaches - hmm... might also up my water intake! And the key thing I suppose is to stop judging myself so constantly, yep, I'm not the most energetic mothers, but I can guarantee I do a lot more than some; and at the end of the day, I have to happy kids that know I love them to the ends of the earth and back.
Before kids, you hear the expression 'Mummy Guilt', without thinking anything of it; but let me say, it's a total bitch! Becoming a Mum is one of the most amazing, if not THE most amazing experiences you could ever have, but don't be fooled, with it comes the most intense feeling of unworthiness, guilt, exhaustion and hormonal shenanigans you can think of!
So, this week, the kids and I are up the coast with Mum, S my step sister, Aunty B and cousin BW; we are a street away from the beach and the weather is amazing - so amazing that I have been out everyday, including mornings on my own getting a walk in, and I'm pretty sure I've managed to get heat stroke. Yep, of course I have. Add on to that the kids have been getting up at sparrow's and you can be guaranteed one very shattered mummy. And don't I feel like shit because of it. Mind you, I have been everywhere with the kids, I've swam, I've walked, I've played volleyball; but my heart hasn't been in it, and I haven't gone above and beyond just being present.
I remember when the kids were little, and I was very actively involved in their play time, where as now I just feel like more of an observer; I don't know if this is a normal transition with their age or if it's laziness on my part. It does feel lazy. Sometimes I just crave time on my own, time when other adults in the kids life can take the responsibility for a while; and then I feel guilty about wanting time out from my own babies. If i had even 1/4 of thier energy, we'd all be fine - but they're little power houses from the moment their eyes open in the morning (and considering yesterday morning was at 4:30am - bleurgh!) until they finally crash and burn at night. They are exhausting!!!
I suppose they only thing I can do to remedy this, is to keep going with my exercise, and hopefully I'll start to feel more energetic soon, instead of wiped out! And maybe to stay out of the sun a bit, as it is giving me fierce headaches - hmm... might also up my water intake! And the key thing I suppose is to stop judging myself so constantly, yep, I'm not the most energetic mothers, but I can guarantee I do a lot more than some; and at the end of the day, I have to happy kids that know I love them to the ends of the earth and back.
Sunday, 8 September 2013
Fear. Pure and Simple.
Yesterday we had X and M's school festival, so off we all trooped for a day of rides, sun and fireworks. When we got there, X complained of rib pain and said that it hurt when he breathed in, we took note and told him to tell us if it got worse.
When we got into the festival, M had her class performance; she was dressed as a pirate and looked adorable! She was very excited leading up to the performance, but as soon as they were heading up to the stage, her stage-fright took hold; her teacher sent me away and spoke to M quitely, and she was soon up on stage with the rest of her class - it didn't take too long for her to start singing and doing her pirate and actions. In the front row I looked up at her, and I was so freakin proud... a few tears may have welled up; she didn't take her eyes off me; she finished her performance and said she loved it. There's a lot to be said for facing up to your fears!!
Mum, myself, D and the two kids spent the next couple of hours whipping around on rides, and loving some time together. I had spent the last few days feeling pretty nauseous, and fighting an obvious bout of gastro, but still went on all the rides.... I truly love watching my kids have fun. Watching X go on a pretty fast ride with his friends was a thrill for me - I hate the thought that they grow up, but watching them find thier independance is satisfying. This motherhood lark can be a confusing bitch sometimes!
Later on in the evening we were watching the fireworks, and X came up and complained that his ribs were hurting again when he ran - so he sat with us and seemed to forget all about it. Getting home the kids pretty much went straight to sleep and I stayed up reading 50 Shades for the 4th time - I was still queasy and feeling quite exhausted. About 3am this morning, I woke up to X crying in pain - his rib pain had woken him up, I knew it was time for him to go up to the hospital.
Driving Mum's ute, with X in the front and D in the back, we set off for the childrens hospital - my stomach was churning with bile, it felt like it was eating itself, I felt a bit faint, and then my anxiety kicked in. What if he had a broken rib? Would child services interview us? Would i have a panic attack? and then the thoughts intensified... He's hurting when he breathes... is it a tumour? cancer? What will happen? I can't live without him. I tried to gain a bit of perspective and not let my mind trick me into this stuff... but ultimately, I'm his mama, I worship him, and I am gut wrenchingly terrified that something may be wrong with him. In my overthinking, overanalysing, quite ridiculous mind, I knew that if there was anything wrong, if he went, I went too.
At the hospital, he was hooked up to an ECG which tracked his heart; seeing this, the nausea I had been trying to forget for 4 days came to a head, and I reached for a sick bag just in time to vomit... great. Gastro and anxiety are not a fantastic mix... so, with spew bag in hand, I continued to answer questions, and talk to X, turning when the need to vomit came a few more times. The Dr checked X's ECG results, which were fine, and listened to his lungs, which were also fine - they decided they wanted X-Rays, but as that department wasn't to open for a few more hours, they gave X some pain killers and sent us home to return immediately if the pain returned. The hospital put his pain down to Musculo-Skeletal strain, and think that he had probably hurt it whilst coughing over the last few days.
Off we went home, stomach still upset, and fell in to bed. Bliss. I didn't really wake up until midday.
So, obviously I now need to work on my health anxieties, just being in the hospital made me anxious, which has never happened before; and I need to find a way to work around my catastrophic thinking. I never really realised how precious life was until I became a Mum, and I never realised the intensity of fear before; I suppose when you love someone so much, you have so much to lose. I suppose I have always been a 'what if' person, a bit of a worrier; who prior to getting sick, had the facade of a very strong person. Sometimes I really have to remind myself that I am still a strong person, a weaker person would have faced some of these trials and not come out the other side - but it can be a struggle to see that side of myself when my fears are talking over any rationality!
When we got into the festival, M had her class performance; she was dressed as a pirate and looked adorable! She was very excited leading up to the performance, but as soon as they were heading up to the stage, her stage-fright took hold; her teacher sent me away and spoke to M quitely, and she was soon up on stage with the rest of her class - it didn't take too long for her to start singing and doing her pirate and actions. In the front row I looked up at her, and I was so freakin proud... a few tears may have welled up; she didn't take her eyes off me; she finished her performance and said she loved it. There's a lot to be said for facing up to your fears!!
Mum, myself, D and the two kids spent the next couple of hours whipping around on rides, and loving some time together. I had spent the last few days feeling pretty nauseous, and fighting an obvious bout of gastro, but still went on all the rides.... I truly love watching my kids have fun. Watching X go on a pretty fast ride with his friends was a thrill for me - I hate the thought that they grow up, but watching them find thier independance is satisfying. This motherhood lark can be a confusing bitch sometimes!
Later on in the evening we were watching the fireworks, and X came up and complained that his ribs were hurting again when he ran - so he sat with us and seemed to forget all about it. Getting home the kids pretty much went straight to sleep and I stayed up reading 50 Shades for the 4th time - I was still queasy and feeling quite exhausted. About 3am this morning, I woke up to X crying in pain - his rib pain had woken him up, I knew it was time for him to go up to the hospital.
Driving Mum's ute, with X in the front and D in the back, we set off for the childrens hospital - my stomach was churning with bile, it felt like it was eating itself, I felt a bit faint, and then my anxiety kicked in. What if he had a broken rib? Would child services interview us? Would i have a panic attack? and then the thoughts intensified... He's hurting when he breathes... is it a tumour? cancer? What will happen? I can't live without him. I tried to gain a bit of perspective and not let my mind trick me into this stuff... but ultimately, I'm his mama, I worship him, and I am gut wrenchingly terrified that something may be wrong with him. In my overthinking, overanalysing, quite ridiculous mind, I knew that if there was anything wrong, if he went, I went too.
At the hospital, he was hooked up to an ECG which tracked his heart; seeing this, the nausea I had been trying to forget for 4 days came to a head, and I reached for a sick bag just in time to vomit... great. Gastro and anxiety are not a fantastic mix... so, with spew bag in hand, I continued to answer questions, and talk to X, turning when the need to vomit came a few more times. The Dr checked X's ECG results, which were fine, and listened to his lungs, which were also fine - they decided they wanted X-Rays, but as that department wasn't to open for a few more hours, they gave X some pain killers and sent us home to return immediately if the pain returned. The hospital put his pain down to Musculo-Skeletal strain, and think that he had probably hurt it whilst coughing over the last few days.
Off we went home, stomach still upset, and fell in to bed. Bliss. I didn't really wake up until midday.
So, obviously I now need to work on my health anxieties, just being in the hospital made me anxious, which has never happened before; and I need to find a way to work around my catastrophic thinking. I never really realised how precious life was until I became a Mum, and I never realised the intensity of fear before; I suppose when you love someone so much, you have so much to lose. I suppose I have always been a 'what if' person, a bit of a worrier; who prior to getting sick, had the facade of a very strong person. Sometimes I really have to remind myself that I am still a strong person, a weaker person would have faced some of these trials and not come out the other side - but it can be a struggle to see that side of myself when my fears are talking over any rationality!
Tuesday, 3 September 2013
Live, love and forgive...
So, D and I went on our retreat on the weekend; and it was wonderful! The Buddhist institute was so calming, and restful; and very beautiful, basically the perfect place to restore a bit of calm. And the food was amazing....
Much of our lessons revolved around meditation, and living mindfully; something I will definitely need to work on , as an over-thinker, it's hard to see your thoughts, but not focus on them! But I'll keep practicing, and at least appreciate the benefits of focussing on my breathing, and being relaxed.
I was very grateful that D was there to share the experience with me; in many ways I think it was of great benefit- we both learnt things for ourselves, and about each other, and decided on things we want to focus on together; and it was lovely to be able to spend time together without the distraction of our kids.
One of the best lessons for me ( and it was one I'd heard before, but not thought too much about), was the act of living more simply, and the difference between us and animals. Take dogs, they live, love and forgive so readily, and with so much joy; all they need is to feel loved; what a great way to live! No grudges, no pretence, no bullshit! I wish we could be more like this... Maybe one day!
So for now, D and I are focussing on the things we want to do better as parents - to have more patience, more time, and to teach instead of punish. I want the very best for my kids, that's what they deserve, and I know that in the past I have been lax with discipline ( iI'll get into that another day!); so I'm trying to gently change some of the behaviours that are maybe not great! I don't want to smack, I don't want to tell, and I certainly don't want to make my kids feel bad about themselves; I want to teach them better behaviours, better solutions and strong values.
Much of our lessons revolved around meditation, and living mindfully; something I will definitely need to work on , as an over-thinker, it's hard to see your thoughts, but not focus on them! But I'll keep practicing, and at least appreciate the benefits of focussing on my breathing, and being relaxed.
I was very grateful that D was there to share the experience with me; in many ways I think it was of great benefit- we both learnt things for ourselves, and about each other, and decided on things we want to focus on together; and it was lovely to be able to spend time together without the distraction of our kids.
One of the best lessons for me ( and it was one I'd heard before, but not thought too much about), was the act of living more simply, and the difference between us and animals. Take dogs, they live, love and forgive so readily, and with so much joy; all they need is to feel loved; what a great way to live! No grudges, no pretence, no bullshit! I wish we could be more like this... Maybe one day!
So for now, D and I are focussing on the things we want to do better as parents - to have more patience, more time, and to teach instead of punish. I want the very best for my kids, that's what they deserve, and I know that in the past I have been lax with discipline ( iI'll get into that another day!); so I'm trying to gently change some of the behaviours that are maybe not great! I don't want to smack, I don't want to tell, and I certainly don't want to make my kids feel bad about themselves; I want to teach them better behaviours, better solutions and strong values.
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