The last few months have been particularly hard - anticipation anxiety and agoraphobia have been really strong. I have felt very beaten to be honest, like nothing I do will make this go away. It's hard to feel like a failure all the time.
D now works overnight a few times a week, at first, it didn't bother me so much, then in the last few weeks, I found myself dreading those nights, waking up on the day with anxiety - wanting to throw up or cry all day. Ridiculous right? I also stopped driving if. I was on my own, meaning I would find people to get kids to and from school if I couldn't. It's extremely demeaning to go from being a very independent, confident person, to someone who doesn't feel safe in their own skin.
I know there are a few reasons my anxiety had been escalating ; and I'm going to start putting up boundaries to ease them. Sometimes I have to put myself first, and not be everyones sounding board - I feel empathy incredibly strongly, and find it very difficult to distance myself from other people's pain, so I get very affected by it.
But I'm working on it all...
In all my reading, I found a great quote for overcoming anxiety, particularly of the agoraphobic persuasion - "whatever your anxiety is telling you to do? Do the opposite". So I'm starting. Again. I have done School run on my own for 3 days, did a night with just the kids, whilst.D worked,and slept soundly (!!!), and am currently sitting in the local laundromat, on my own.
This journey is shit. It's slow, and has a million setbacks. But i AM strong. And I need to remind myself of that..
